Attraction vs Connection

A friend provided a great comment in regards to finding Mr Wrong/Right which I think highlights the problem with Internet dating. She said, "The thing is, I didn't even choose my dog on the way he looked [though, actually he is very handsome...]. It is ALL about the connection."

So true!... But...

Here's the thing... Internet dating is initially ALL about the appearance - both physically and the "profile" appearance.  That's all you have to go on.  That's your first impression.  It is full of folks saying they are looking for someone who is genuine, kind, fun, "secure with who they are" etc etc with whom they can "connect with" or "there's a spark" or "there's chemistry."    Yeah - except when you send them a message that attempts to find a creative way to ignore the fact that it's a completely weird thing to flirt with a stranger you haven't met, they either don't answer or as one fella wrote after looking at my photo, "you're not really what I am looking for."
That's the tricky part of not having your photo available for everyone to see.

It's an option on the site to either have your photo available for anyone to see, or you can opt to choose when you allow someone to see it.  Risky either way really...
I can write an amazing profile, start a brilliant email conversation, then if I supply a photo after this has happened, I am setting myself up for a potential kick in the ego when he suddenly stops writing or makes that previously mention comment...In some ways I'd rather have my photo readily available so if he judges me, I don't necessarily know it.  Why can't he say something like, "I have actually found someone that I am interested in and am going to pursue that possibility"- even though I am aware this is possibly code for "you are not what I am looking for" at least it sounds nicer.

The risk of having the photo readily available is that anyone can see that you are on the site...workmates, acquaintances, clients, loopy people who might decide to approach you on the street and mention that they saw you online...hmmm.

I am sorry to say that I am guilty of making judgments based on photos so I understand why some men respond that way- or don't.   But hey guys - this is ME! I'm different!  I'm totally worth writing to because I know that I am more than my photo and  ... um... oh... wait... maybe they are too.

So what to do?
How do you Internet date without seeming horribly shallow? 

I was out last night in the big city.  My band had a gig so I was up past my usual snuggle down with the cryptic crossword time of 9pm...yes, big night out.   Well, I sat there after the gig and had a good session of people-watching and came to  a huge realization:  Being out in a bar is just like Internet dating but the images are 3D and moving. It's almost worse because you don't have the benefit of reading their profile to know a bit about them/or them about you.  Other than that - it's the same thing... nobody approaches you unless they think you are attractive in some way.

So how and where do you meet Mr Wrong/Right?  Unless you are a man magnet with the right look at the right time they don't seem to just wander up and start a conversation. 

What makes you go up to someone and start chatting? Assuming you are not incredibly shy or socially awkward (or in my case, freeze when faced with a person that I haven't previously corresponded to via email to get acquainted first) - what prevents you from approaching or even noticing someone? Sorry about all of the questions but I am really curious!

I think it's hard to deny the need for some sort of attraction/chemistry... because let's face it - the chemistry/zing/spark is what differentiates friends and "more than just friends."  We all have different tastes - we appreciate things differently... look at art...(the cultural stuff not one of my Internet fellas).   It's not considered shallow to say you don't like a painting even if you haven't spent the time to understand it. Saying that, I am also very aware that people(and art and dogs for that matter - as per initial comment) can become more attractive once you get to know them. The converse can also be true - the most outwardly attractive person can become very unattractive very quickly...just check out the latest movie on The Disney Channel...

So, if it's about the connection that makes someone attractive to you - how do you make the connection if you rely on the attraction to someone in the first place in order to make the initial connection? You don't know if you find them intellectually attractive until you actually speak to them so it must be a physical attraction that has you approaching them in the first place...unless you are attracted to what they do...(musician, artist, athlete, author, rocket scientist)...but this is still an attraction(and some previous knowledge of talent) before any connection is made.

This brings me back to the concept of my friends having dinner parties and me sitting next to the other single person at the table...Conversation starts by asking him to pass the pepper, casually mumbling over the amazing quality of the food and then who knows where the conversation could go?

 A captive audience negates the necessity for initial attraction - he's kind of forced to at least notice me and once that happens... well...assuming I don't get too nervous and drop food on myself or knock over my drink when reaching for the pepper...we might just make a connection...or not...