I just found this draft from early 2011... not sure why it wasn't published, but I think it's worth putting out there... so here it is... (keep in mind, this occurred BEFORE the blog that precedes it)
early 2011
Hello cyberspace! After a very long time away from this blog, I feel that it is time to revisit and begin posting again. The reason for this is that I think I need an intervention. Writing here will keep me from writing elsewhere - more specifically from texting.
So here's the question that I have: Why is it that when a guy is totally showing interest in me, I am initially excited then almost immediately repelled. Crazy eh? It's the old, "Oh yahooo someone finds me attractive, interesting, worthy of their attention (fill in the blanks here folks)" and then this other inner conversation sets in, "oh he's a bit needy if he is contacting me so much" or "ohh, I think I am just filling up empty space in his day - if he wasn't so bored or lonely he wouldn't be talking to me..." or "why does he always talk about himself and not about me?" ... or...
So then I think..."I don't want this in a relationship. This is not what I am looking for in a potential partner..." So then, I pull away. Don't make myself available on Skype and don't initiate any texts... and then it happens....
HE pulls away and it drives me bananas! I look at my phone making sure I didn't miss a message... log into Skype just in case he wants to contact me. I contact him with silly little comments or questions about his day. He answers but does not initiate contact with me anymore... and I am hooked. How annoying is that?!
To be honest, in this age of technology, I find the whole idea of building a relationship via skype and texting rather yucky. Yes I said yucky... It's less than ideal because what I have discovered is that men are often different online then they are in person . I don't mean physically, I mean communication wise (this could go for anyone really - especially folks who prefer the
comfort of the written word to face to face interactions...). This particular guy is extremely emotional on skype - writing about all sorts of in depth issues and things that I don't get a glimpse of in person. Which is fine because who wants to solve world problems and deep inner issues all of the time but the contrast is so great that I almost wonder if someone else is over there doing the typing/communicating for him... hmmm... I really really really don't like internet dating!
2012 thoughts:
I read this and realized that this was a truly ridiculous game that I was playing in my head and that he was playing too... it is so unnecessary and such a waste of time and energy ... here's to a straight up honest relationship, without the second guessing, without the head games... from either one of us...
Monday, November 12, 2012
Hello again
It's been a while... a very long while... I've been preoccupied studying, picking up a couple of more letters at the end of my signature... and avoiding relationships.
I did have one in the middle of all of this (for 6 months!) - but it ended. Mistakes were made - by both of us. I thought I'd learned from the past, and maybe I did, but not enough. Sigh... In addition, I was also so busy with getting the grades and absorbing the new knowledge, that there was little time left for a man after I also factored in time for daughter, dog, friends and self.
In addition to that, he moved FAST which freaked me out and kind of laid the ground work for the way things would move for the entire 6 months we were together. We started as just friends... then one day, 2 months later, he said I'd "stolen his heart."
Which is a beautiful thing to say
and apparently, has different meanings for different people...
I thought - "cool! We're going to move from friends, to friends who like each other a bit more than just friends - so we will become friends with benefits and see how it all goes"... mistake number one. He thought, "WE'RE IN LOVE!" and proceeded to tell his ex wife, kids and anyone else that would listen... we're talking within hours of the initial conversation. My daughter came home after a play with his kids telling me that she heard he and I are in love... oh geez...
He felt joyous...
I panicked and felt slightly nauseated.
Don't get me wrong - we had some wonderful times together. But the relationship consisted of so many boundary crossings (by him) and boundary claiming (by me), that eventually, it had to end. I was retreating further and further away, he was getting more and more confused. We talked for HOURS about this - constantly. It became the all consuming topic of conversation for us whenever we were together. I started to dread the words, "can I come and talk to you for a minute?"...
I was tired...
tired of saying/hearing what wasn't working... tired of talking about our feelings all of the time...tired of pushing away... tired of the feelings of discomfort...
So I ended it...
And thankfully, we are still friends - good friends in fact... and I like that.
I don't think it was a case of running away when the going got tough ... I think it was kinda tough fairly early on... for both of us... poor timing perhaps... poor match perhaps... who knows... but for now, I have to say that I enjoy his friendship, and enjoy the relief I feel that we are not in a romantic relationship... for whatever reason that may be...
But now...
a close friend of mine is trying to set me up with a guy she knows from work...
It's just like internet dating except we both come with a letter of reference so to speak. He "friended" me on facebook - so we both now get the chance to check out each others' "profile"... unfortunately, there's not much on his, so I am still no more in the know than I was before... except that he's not that into facebook...And now for the awkward part which makes it feel like internet dating - he "friended" me... and now I have not heard from him... so does this mean he looked at the photos and thought, "good grief! I'm not going near that one!" ...or maybe he's being coy... or maybe he's thinking that I'm thinking what I think he's thinking... or maybe he's at work and is meant to be working rather than swanning about online so he'll write later... I could write to him... but I won't... because a. I'm busy writing this blog entry, b. I want him to make the moves and c. I'm kind of nervous and am not sure how I feel about this whole set up thing...
He commented to my friend in an email (which I'm not sure I'm technically supposed to know about but what are good friend for?)... he wrote, "I am a fussy bugger when it comes to my women (maybe that’s why I’m single!!) and I guess there is no point if there is no initial attraction..." I totally get where he is coming from... but then... how do you really know for sure until you meet?
Ugh... I really don't like this part...
I did have one in the middle of all of this (for 6 months!) - but it ended. Mistakes were made - by both of us. I thought I'd learned from the past, and maybe I did, but not enough. Sigh... In addition, I was also so busy with getting the grades and absorbing the new knowledge, that there was little time left for a man after I also factored in time for daughter, dog, friends and self.
In addition to that, he moved FAST which freaked me out and kind of laid the ground work for the way things would move for the entire 6 months we were together. We started as just friends... then one day, 2 months later, he said I'd "stolen his heart."
Which is a beautiful thing to say
and apparently, has different meanings for different people...
I thought - "cool! We're going to move from friends, to friends who like each other a bit more than just friends - so we will become friends with benefits and see how it all goes"... mistake number one. He thought, "WE'RE IN LOVE!" and proceeded to tell his ex wife, kids and anyone else that would listen... we're talking within hours of the initial conversation. My daughter came home after a play with his kids telling me that she heard he and I are in love... oh geez...
He felt joyous...
I panicked and felt slightly nauseated.
Don't get me wrong - we had some wonderful times together. But the relationship consisted of so many boundary crossings (by him) and boundary claiming (by me), that eventually, it had to end. I was retreating further and further away, he was getting more and more confused. We talked for HOURS about this - constantly. It became the all consuming topic of conversation for us whenever we were together. I started to dread the words, "can I come and talk to you for a minute?"...
I was tired...
tired of saying/hearing what wasn't working... tired of talking about our feelings all of the time...tired of pushing away... tired of the feelings of discomfort...
So I ended it...
And thankfully, we are still friends - good friends in fact... and I like that.
I don't think it was a case of running away when the going got tough ... I think it was kinda tough fairly early on... for both of us... poor timing perhaps... poor match perhaps... who knows... but for now, I have to say that I enjoy his friendship, and enjoy the relief I feel that we are not in a romantic relationship... for whatever reason that may be...
But now...
a close friend of mine is trying to set me up with a guy she knows from work...
It's just like internet dating except we both come with a letter of reference so to speak. He "friended" me on facebook - so we both now get the chance to check out each others' "profile"... unfortunately, there's not much on his, so I am still no more in the know than I was before... except that he's not that into facebook...And now for the awkward part which makes it feel like internet dating - he "friended" me... and now I have not heard from him... so does this mean he looked at the photos and thought, "good grief! I'm not going near that one!" ...or maybe he's being coy... or maybe he's thinking that I'm thinking what I think he's thinking... or maybe he's at work and is meant to be working rather than swanning about online so he'll write later... I could write to him... but I won't... because a. I'm busy writing this blog entry, b. I want him to make the moves and c. I'm kind of nervous and am not sure how I feel about this whole set up thing...
He commented to my friend in an email (which I'm not sure I'm technically supposed to know about but what are good friend for?)... he wrote, "I am a fussy bugger when it comes to my women (maybe that’s why I’m single!!) and I guess there is no point if there is no initial attraction..." I totally get where he is coming from... but then... how do you really know for sure until you meet?
Ugh... I really don't like this part...
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