I have been away for a while... not geographically speaking, but I have been away from this blog. Life... got in the way I suppose I will lamely say.
I could report that the reason for my absence was that a new relationship was in the works and that all of my spare time was being spent being wined and dined by Mr. Might be Right... but then I would be lying... and seeing as I have been very honest up to this point, I see no reason to change now. Nope, in fact, I was on the online dating site for 1 month and then ran for the hills. I did a dash...I jumped ship... I didn't renew my subscription. But the fact that I hung on for the entire duration of my 1 month subscription was kind of like making it to the finish line of a marathon. I know this sounds dramatic, but if you've read any previous posts- I tend to bolt after a week... or even a couple of days. So yea me! Right?
I did manage to take down a couple of numbers and email addresses before bailing, and have even... yes... wait for it... met some real live people... in person! I know - bold move. But wait, it gets better - after meeting for the first time, I actually ventured out of the house again to meet a second time! What is wrong with me?! Nothing ... because behind all of that was the usual babble of "yeah, but he said... " and "he..." and and and. Oh inner voice of no reason I would have missed you if you had left me now! No worries about that happening accidentally...
On top of that, I am realizing that when I do actually go out on a date and meet someone new - that I am... quirky. When I am out at a cafe/restaurant, I kind of get this vision of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally - this woman who waiters smirk at due to her inability to just place a simple straightforward order. Folks who aren't prepared just stare at me blankly and wonder why bother? But it's all yum! - but for a meat and 2 veg guy, dating me is like dating an alien. I am finding that it's like I have some big secret that I am trying not to reveal up front because I don't want to scare them away, so I kind of mumble it under my breath like I did when I was younger and had to ask the person at the check out counter for a box of condoms. For example, we go to a cafe for dessert and I order my coffee...I look left, look right - to make sure he is out of earshot, then say, "decaf soy cappuccino please...and with that a side of gluten free something or other"... geez! Oh and let's throw in that I am a pescatarion. A what?! I eat seafood, but not any other meat... it all make sense to me but at times like that I can't see my Facebook status quickly changing to "in a relationship" any time soon... Sigh...
Which is the real reason I was prompted to write today. Facebook. When you have a profile, one of the questions that you can fill out is your relationship status. When you do actually fill it in, the result is posted up on your page for all to view and comment on. It even posts it with a little heart next to it which I guess is meant to somehow softens the blow when you write "single" as your status - or better yet, when a recent ex or even not ex who you just had an argument with posts "single" - ouch! I find I feel my heart sink when I suddenly see an ex or what seems like everyone and their dog post "in a relationship" with a little heart next it. I know I know - I should be happy for them - and I am... but... how did my ex get a girlfriend already?! What does she see in him that I missed? Or maybe it's that I did all the hard work sorting him out and now he is ready for the next woman...I am not completely serious about that last comment, but come on - who hasn't thought that at some point in their lives?
A guy that I met on the dating site posted that he was "single" and a load of people gave him the thumbs up. A thumbs up that he's SINGLE!
I wondered - are they happy that he is single because it's good for him to spend some time on his own to find himself because it's been so hard for him to let go...because he is too clingy and can't read the signs that it's over and that this was a big move for him to admit he was single and that it has taken him months of therapy to just say the word...
...or perhaps because the ex was so icky that they are rejoicing that he is rid of her...but then what does that say about his taste in women and why would he stay so long with someone who was just wrong and and and...
Ok - I am only joking... but you can see how that site could mess with someone's head... If they weren't as well adjusted as I am...perhaps there should be a sub status option for relationship status, "level headed" or "a complete mess"...can help to clarify things for those of us wondering from afar...
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Attraction vs Connection
A friend provided a great comment in regards to finding Mr Wrong/Right which I think highlights the problem with Internet dating. She said, "The thing is, I didn't even choose my dog on the way he looked [though, actually he is very handsome...]. It is ALL about the connection."
So true!... But...
Here's the thing... Internet dating is initially ALL about the appearance - both physically and the "profile" appearance. That's all you have to go on. That's your first impression. It is full of folks saying they are looking for someone who is genuine, kind, fun, "secure with who they are" etc etc with whom they can "connect with" or "there's a spark" or "there's chemistry." Yeah - except when you send them a message that attempts to find a creative way to ignore the fact that it's a completely weird thing to flirt with a stranger you haven't met, they either don't answer or as one fella wrote after looking at my photo, "you're not really what I am looking for."
That's the tricky part of not having your photo available for everyone to see.
It's an option on the site to either have your photo available for anyone to see, or you can opt to choose when you allow someone to see it. Risky either way really...
I can write an amazing profile, start a brilliant email conversation, then if I supply a photo after this has happened, I am setting myself up for a potential kick in the ego when he suddenly stops writing or makes that previously mention comment...In some ways I'd rather have my photo readily available so if he judges me, I don't necessarily know it. Why can't he say something like, "I have actually found someone that I am interested in and am going to pursue that possibility"- even though I am aware this is possibly code for "you are not what I am looking for" at least it sounds nicer.
The risk of having the photo readily available is that anyone can see that you are on the site...workmates, acquaintances, clients, loopy people who might decide to approach you on the street and mention that they saw you online...hmmm.
I am sorry to say that I am guilty of making judgments based on photos so I understand why some men respond that way- or don't. But hey guys - this is ME! I'm different! I'm totally worth writing to because I know that I am more than my photo and ... um... oh... wait... maybe they are too.
So what to do?
How do you Internet date without seeming horribly shallow?
I was out last night in the big city. My band had a gig so I was up past my usual snuggle down with the cryptic crossword time of 9pm...yes, big night out. Well, I sat there after the gig and had a good session of people-watching and came to a huge realization: Being out in a bar is just like Internet dating but the images are 3D and moving. It's almost worse because you don't have the benefit of reading their profile to know a bit about them/or them about you. Other than that - it's the same thing... nobody approaches you unless they think you are attractive in some way.
So how and where do you meet Mr Wrong/Right? Unless you are a man magnet with the right look at the right time they don't seem to just wander up and start a conversation.
What makes you go up to someone and start chatting? Assuming you are not incredibly shy or socially awkward (or in my case, freeze when faced with a person that I haven't previously corresponded to via email to get acquainted first) - what prevents you from approaching or even noticing someone? Sorry about all of the questions but I am really curious!
I think it's hard to deny the need for some sort of attraction/chemistry... because let's face it - the chemistry/zing/spark is what differentiates friends and "more than just friends." We all have different tastes - we appreciate things differently... look at art...(the cultural stuff not one of my Internet fellas). It's not considered shallow to say you don't like a painting even if you haven't spent the time to understand it. Saying that, I am also very aware that people(and art and dogs for that matter - as per initial comment) can become more attractive once you get to know them. The converse can also be true - the most outwardly attractive person can become very unattractive very quickly...just check out the latest movie on The Disney Channel...
So, if it's about the connection that makes someone attractive to you - how do you make the connection if you rely on the attraction to someone in the first place in order to make the initial connection? You don't know if you find them intellectually attractive until you actually speak to them so it must be a physical attraction that has you approaching them in the first place...unless you are attracted to what they do...(musician, artist, athlete, author, rocket scientist)...but this is still an attraction(and some previous knowledge of talent) before any connection is made.
This brings me back to the concept of my friends having dinner parties and me sitting next to the other single person at the table...Conversation starts by asking him to pass the pepper, casually mumbling over the amazing quality of the food and then who knows where the conversation could go?
A captive audience negates the necessity for initial attraction - he's kind of forced to at least notice me and once that happens... well...assuming I don't get too nervous and drop food on myself or knock over my drink when reaching for the pepper...we might just make a connection...or not...
So true!... But...
Here's the thing... Internet dating is initially ALL about the appearance - both physically and the "profile" appearance. That's all you have to go on. That's your first impression. It is full of folks saying they are looking for someone who is genuine, kind, fun, "secure with who they are" etc etc with whom they can "connect with" or "there's a spark" or "there's chemistry." Yeah - except when you send them a message that attempts to find a creative way to ignore the fact that it's a completely weird thing to flirt with a stranger you haven't met, they either don't answer or as one fella wrote after looking at my photo, "you're not really what I am looking for."
That's the tricky part of not having your photo available for everyone to see.
It's an option on the site to either have your photo available for anyone to see, or you can opt to choose when you allow someone to see it. Risky either way really...
I can write an amazing profile, start a brilliant email conversation, then if I supply a photo after this has happened, I am setting myself up for a potential kick in the ego when he suddenly stops writing or makes that previously mention comment...In some ways I'd rather have my photo readily available so if he judges me, I don't necessarily know it. Why can't he say something like, "I have actually found someone that I am interested in and am going to pursue that possibility"- even though I am aware this is possibly code for "you are not what I am looking for" at least it sounds nicer.
The risk of having the photo readily available is that anyone can see that you are on the site...workmates, acquaintances, clients, loopy people who might decide to approach you on the street and mention that they saw you online...hmmm.
I am sorry to say that I am guilty of making judgments based on photos so I understand why some men respond that way- or don't. But hey guys - this is ME! I'm different! I'm totally worth writing to because I know that I am more than my photo and ... um... oh... wait... maybe they are too.
So what to do?
How do you Internet date without seeming horribly shallow?
I was out last night in the big city. My band had a gig so I was up past my usual snuggle down with the cryptic crossword time of 9pm...yes, big night out. Well, I sat there after the gig and had a good session of people-watching and came to a huge realization: Being out in a bar is just like Internet dating but the images are 3D and moving. It's almost worse because you don't have the benefit of reading their profile to know a bit about them/or them about you. Other than that - it's the same thing... nobody approaches you unless they think you are attractive in some way.
So how and where do you meet Mr Wrong/Right? Unless you are a man magnet with the right look at the right time they don't seem to just wander up and start a conversation.
What makes you go up to someone and start chatting? Assuming you are not incredibly shy or socially awkward (or in my case, freeze when faced with a person that I haven't previously corresponded to via email to get acquainted first) - what prevents you from approaching or even noticing someone? Sorry about all of the questions but I am really curious!
I think it's hard to deny the need for some sort of attraction/chemistry... because let's face it - the chemistry/zing/spark is what differentiates friends and "more than just friends." We all have different tastes - we appreciate things differently... look at art...(the cultural stuff not one of my Internet fellas). It's not considered shallow to say you don't like a painting even if you haven't spent the time to understand it. Saying that, I am also very aware that people(and art and dogs for that matter - as per initial comment) can become more attractive once you get to know them. The converse can also be true - the most outwardly attractive person can become very unattractive very quickly...just check out the latest movie on The Disney Channel...
So, if it's about the connection that makes someone attractive to you - how do you make the connection if you rely on the attraction to someone in the first place in order to make the initial connection? You don't know if you find them intellectually attractive until you actually speak to them so it must be a physical attraction that has you approaching them in the first place...unless you are attracted to what they do...(musician, artist, athlete, author, rocket scientist)...but this is still an attraction(and some previous knowledge of talent) before any connection is made.
This brings me back to the concept of my friends having dinner parties and me sitting next to the other single person at the table...Conversation starts by asking him to pass the pepper, casually mumbling over the amazing quality of the food and then who knows where the conversation could go?
A captive audience negates the necessity for initial attraction - he's kind of forced to at least notice me and once that happens... well...assuming I don't get too nervous and drop food on myself or knock over my drink when reaching for the pepper...we might just make a connection...or not...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Is Mr Wrong actually Mr Right?
Is it possible that Mr Wrong is actually Mr Right?
I have now managed to stay on the internet dating site for an entire week - a recent record for me... and I just am not seeing him - Mr Right. I try...I really try to look and to be honest, I am just not seeing what I am looking for. It also appears as if the men out there are experiencing the same thing when it comes to me too. Well, that's not completely true - I have received a couple of messages - from men who live a good 9 hour drive from me. One of them my daughter looked at his photo and said he had a scary look in his eyes. He wrote in text language and stated that he has a "crazy personality".... is that meant to be enticing? Another fellow had more pictures of his kids and his motorbike posted than of himself(even that one had his kids in the photo)... makes me wonder if his kids are actually the selling point here. He forwarded me his email address which was his name and his ex-partners name... nice one... and then commented that he was looking to hang with a "yummy mummy"...hmmmm...
Pickings are a bit slim it seems. But then here's the thing - I think that I am a pretty good catch. I reckon I am one of those girls that once you meet and actually manage a conversation with me you discover that I am quite interesting and one could even venture to say, attractive. That is interesting in the good way, not interesting in the 'hmmmm-raise one eyebrow' kind of way. I know there are probably heaps of men on that site that are the same...but we just don't get past that first hurdle... the photo/profile.
How do I know if one of these Mr Wrongs is actually Mr Right?
The problem for me at the moment is that I am getting fed up with it already... I think I have spent too many years/months scanning through the seemingly endless pages of profiles - looking for the spark, the zing ... the one.
I have met some amazing people on the site - many of them are still friends of mine - and for that I am grateful. But it is time to move on... to try something else... a different avenue...
Any suggestions?
Someone suggested speed dating... has anyone out there done this? I think it is the dating game where you sit and chat with a guy for a couple of minutes, then move to the next one, the next one... and so on... then at the end of the night decide if you want to see any of them again and vise versa. Ugh.
My friends are a bunch of slackers... okay, that's not really true at all - I have great friends... but they haven't hosted any dinner parties where lovely single men have been invited for me to meet - ever. I am continually the third, 5th, 7th, 9th wheel... the majority of my friends have partners... you'd think something would rub off eventually...
Anyway, back to my original question. Perhaps Mr Wrong, who I never bother to meet, is Mr Right. Maybe the zing factor is there, but I just haven't gotten close enough to find out. A friend of mine mentioned that her husband (who is very much her Mr Right) was very much Mr Wrong on first meeting... the complete opposite in every way to someone she would have picked if listing his physical characteristics and what he got up to on a daily basis. Here's the catch though - they had spark... they had that SOMETHING.... and that 'something' has sustained them through thick and thin. It forms the core of the relationship that they can rely on to be there when at times things around them feel as if they are crumbling. That's what I want to experience...
So perhaps I should change the title of my quest... a 40something woman's quest for the Mr Wrong or Right who is actually Mr Right... kind of covers all the bases don't you think?
I have now managed to stay on the internet dating site for an entire week - a recent record for me... and I just am not seeing him - Mr Right. I try...I really try to look and to be honest, I am just not seeing what I am looking for. It also appears as if the men out there are experiencing the same thing when it comes to me too. Well, that's not completely true - I have received a couple of messages - from men who live a good 9 hour drive from me. One of them my daughter looked at his photo and said he had a scary look in his eyes. He wrote in text language and stated that he has a "crazy personality".... is that meant to be enticing? Another fellow had more pictures of his kids and his motorbike posted than of himself(even that one had his kids in the photo)... makes me wonder if his kids are actually the selling point here. He forwarded me his email address which was his name and his ex-partners name... nice one... and then commented that he was looking to hang with a "yummy mummy"...hmmmm...
Pickings are a bit slim it seems. But then here's the thing - I think that I am a pretty good catch. I reckon I am one of those girls that once you meet and actually manage a conversation with me you discover that I am quite interesting and one could even venture to say, attractive. That is interesting in the good way, not interesting in the 'hmmmm-raise one eyebrow' kind of way. I know there are probably heaps of men on that site that are the same...but we just don't get past that first hurdle... the photo/profile.
How do I know if one of these Mr Wrongs is actually Mr Right?
The problem for me at the moment is that I am getting fed up with it already... I think I have spent too many years/months scanning through the seemingly endless pages of profiles - looking for the spark, the zing ... the one.
I have met some amazing people on the site - many of them are still friends of mine - and for that I am grateful. But it is time to move on... to try something else... a different avenue...
Any suggestions?
Someone suggested speed dating... has anyone out there done this? I think it is the dating game where you sit and chat with a guy for a couple of minutes, then move to the next one, the next one... and so on... then at the end of the night decide if you want to see any of them again and vise versa. Ugh.
My friends are a bunch of slackers... okay, that's not really true at all - I have great friends... but they haven't hosted any dinner parties where lovely single men have been invited for me to meet - ever. I am continually the third, 5th, 7th, 9th wheel... the majority of my friends have partners... you'd think something would rub off eventually...
Anyway, back to my original question. Perhaps Mr Wrong, who I never bother to meet, is Mr Right. Maybe the zing factor is there, but I just haven't gotten close enough to find out. A friend of mine mentioned that her husband (who is very much her Mr Right) was very much Mr Wrong on first meeting... the complete opposite in every way to someone she would have picked if listing his physical characteristics and what he got up to on a daily basis. Here's the catch though - they had spark... they had that SOMETHING.... and that 'something' has sustained them through thick and thin. It forms the core of the relationship that they can rely on to be there when at times things around them feel as if they are crumbling. That's what I want to experience...
So perhaps I should change the title of my quest... a 40something woman's quest for the Mr Wrong or Right who is actually Mr Right... kind of covers all the bases don't you think?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Finding or Keeping... is that the question?
An interesting question was posed to me regarding my last post. This friend commented that it "sounds like the problem is not so much 'meeting'[Mr Right] as 'keeping'..." Thinking about this I thought that I do meet potential partners, it's just that once we are together, it goes a bit off and I or he realizes that it's just not "it." The reply was that this still is a 'not keeping' issue. I agree with the thought that it is a form of not keeping. I still think I am on a quest for Mr Right because whether I meet someone and don't 'keep' him or whether I don't meet him at all, it's still a case of not being in a relationship with Mr Right.
I think people with 'keepers' learn or have learned to notice the 'keeper' qualities and not notice or put as much weight behind reject-able qualities...therefore, it feels as if they have partners with fewer reject-able qualities AND they have a higher threshold for reject-ability.
Here's the dilemma I have with that thought. In one particular relationship, I stayed with someone I thought was Mr Right...I stayed through some pretty ugly stuff... let my feelings of self esteem plummet to very low depths...became a green eyed jealous crazy woman... gave some very strong/weighty meaning to events that happened to me or around me...and I stayed...and he stayed...and we both suffered.
Another friend commented:
Another good point... when is it the right choice to move on?
I suppose the position I find myself in at the moment is the one where my filter is looking for the reject-able qualities first. Imagining how they are a problem or will be.
Another quick thought on finding what we are looking for. Have you heard this idea that if I tell you NOT to think about a pink elephant, all you can do is actually think about that pink elephant? Well it's true. If I tell myself not to do something or to think about something - I am focused on the thing I don't want to do. Alternatively, if I think about what I WANT - then that's the focus. Soooo, thinking about the things I don't want in a relationship/partner will only serve to have me noticing those things in someone. Useful...
Good question! My response is yes! Both!
I think people with 'keepers' learn or have learned to notice the 'keeper' qualities and not notice or put as much weight behind reject-able qualities...therefore, it feels as if they have partners with fewer reject-able qualities AND they have a higher threshold for reject-ability.
Which has me thinking now... could any of my previous dates/relationships been with Mr Right? Yes... they could have.
Here's the dilemma I have with that thought. In one particular relationship, I stayed with someone I thought was Mr Right...I stayed through some pretty ugly stuff... let my feelings of self esteem plummet to very low depths...became a green eyed jealous crazy woman... gave some very strong/weighty meaning to events that happened to me or around me...and I stayed...and he stayed...and we both suffered.
Another friend commented:
"I think we are all shackled by this relationship thing whether it be marriage or partnership. It's some goal we have to achieve and maintain at all costs like it's the ultimate state. I think we succeed better as individuals having close friends, intimate friends, loose friends, acquaintances, and our own selves."
Another good point... when is it the right choice to move on?
I firmly believe that we find what we are looking for and that just because we find it, does not mean the "flip side" does not exist simultaneously. It's all about perspective. So - when we meet someone and see all of their brilliant qualities, it does not mean that there are not 'reject-able' qualities there too. We just don't see them at the time. Same goes for the moment all of those 'reject-able' qualities take the main stage. This does not mean that those lovable qualities don't exist anymore - it's just that we don't notice them.
I suppose the position I find myself in at the moment is the one where my filter is looking for the reject-able qualities first. Imagining how they are a problem or will be.
Helpful? Not really.
Protective? Yes
Another quick thought on finding what we are looking for. Have you heard this idea that if I tell you NOT to think about a pink elephant, all you can do is actually think about that pink elephant? Well it's true. If I tell myself not to do something or to think about something - I am focused on the thing I don't want to do. Alternatively, if I think about what I WANT - then that's the focus. Soooo, thinking about the things I don't want in a relationship/partner will only serve to have me noticing those things in someone. Useful...
Seek and you shall find... but be careful because what you don't want to find...you might actually find if you seek it.
A bit of history
I was thinking that a bit of background might be useful...A recent experience illustrates just how far down the path of goofiness I have gone. Or perhaps I should say the "path of I don't know how to talk to a single man anymore".... in person...
I have been on and off Internet dating sites for a few years. In fact, when I think about it, all of the men (except for 1) that I have dated/had coffee with/met for a drink in the last 5 years I have met online. Which means that the introductions and initial chit chat was taken care of via email. Which also means that when I am face to face with someone that I haven't already gotten to know virtually, I am clueless about what to say. Face it - when you meet online, you know what they do, where they live, what food they eat, music they listen to, what movie they last saw and their view on housework, religion, politics and that's before you even contact them. So, when I see a man now - he is a blank slate... a great unknown... and I freeze.
Here's the situation. I was online a couple of years ago, and had exchanged a couple of brief emails with "R", discovered we worked in similar fields, then I decided to "give it a go" with someone else online and went off line(again). Ok, time passes, and I am at work and realize that one of the guys I keep passing in the hallway is "R" - I think. I mean, he's 6' something, bald, has tattoos - could be anyone right? I mean, if it was him don't you think he would have said hi? If he did know it was me and didn't say hi, it must be because he doesn't want to admit that he knows me...We didn't even make eye contact. Good grief, what was I meant to do? I couldn't just go up and say, "Hi! Aren't you the guy I emailed on the online dating site a couple of years ago?" Well, I could have - but I didn't. I just continued to pass him in the hallway and remained intent on checking out his shoes...
So - how do I deal with this? I decide that the obvious thing to do is to re join the site, see if he is there, and contact him via email - it's worth $20 to try and hang onto a little bit of dignity isn't it? And that's what I did. And yes... it was him... and yes, he remembered me... and yes, he agreed it was kind of weird bringing it up at work... okay, so I am not a complete goof... we met a couple of times for coffee... and that was it because really, it just wasn't ... it... so I go offline... again... and interestingly, around the same time that we actually met and spoke to each other we both had schedule changes and now work on completely different days and never see each other. Phew...
I have been on and off Internet dating sites for a few years. In fact, when I think about it, all of the men (except for 1) that I have dated/had coffee with/met for a drink in the last 5 years I have met online. Which means that the introductions and initial chit chat was taken care of via email. Which also means that when I am face to face with someone that I haven't already gotten to know virtually, I am clueless about what to say. Face it - when you meet online, you know what they do, where they live, what food they eat, music they listen to, what movie they last saw and their view on housework, religion, politics and that's before you even contact them. So, when I see a man now - he is a blank slate... a great unknown... and I freeze.
Here's the situation. I was online a couple of years ago, and had exchanged a couple of brief emails with "R", discovered we worked in similar fields, then I decided to "give it a go" with someone else online and went off line(again). Ok, time passes, and I am at work and realize that one of the guys I keep passing in the hallway is "R" - I think. I mean, he's 6' something, bald, has tattoos - could be anyone right? I mean, if it was him don't you think he would have said hi? If he did know it was me and didn't say hi, it must be because he doesn't want to admit that he knows me...We didn't even make eye contact. Good grief, what was I meant to do? I couldn't just go up and say, "Hi! Aren't you the guy I emailed on the online dating site a couple of years ago?" Well, I could have - but I didn't. I just continued to pass him in the hallway and remained intent on checking out his shoes...
So - how do I deal with this? I decide that the obvious thing to do is to re join the site, see if he is there, and contact him via email - it's worth $20 to try and hang onto a little bit of dignity isn't it? And that's what I did. And yes... it was him... and yes, he remembered me... and yes, he agreed it was kind of weird bringing it up at work... okay, so I am not a complete goof... we met a couple of times for coffee... and that was it because really, it just wasn't ... it... so I go offline... again... and interestingly, around the same time that we actually met and spoke to each other we both had schedule changes and now work on completely different days and never see each other. Phew...
Sunday, June 13, 2010
A quest for contentedness?
Someone has posed an interesting question to me. Is this a quest for Mr Right or is this a quest for contentedness?
I have asked myself this question many many times. Do I feel content with my life the way it is without having a partner? Well...in many ways I do. I believe that a lot of the reason that I sabotage the process of being with someone, is that I am afraid that it will upset the apple cart so to speak. I have built a life with my daughter, our 2 cats and our dog that functions pretty darn well. We hit bumps along the way, but to be honest - we are okay.
So what's the problem?
I want more.
I want an adult to share life with...Someone who is interested in what is happening in my life who wants to let me(us) into their life too...who is interested in being with me(and everyone that comes with me) - with all the quirks and charms. Interestingly I don't want someone to share every moment with me. In fact I joke that the ideal is someone who lives next door who can come and stay - or not.
I think in some ways, that is why Facebook is so appealing. It is a way for people to peak into my life and I can peak into theirs - and comment on it.
But.... it feels empty... when I shut the computer off - I feel as if I just ate a huge bar of chocolate, and am left feeling worse than before I took the first bite. The void I was seeking to fill - was actually drained a little bit more...
Can anyone say they feel completely content with every aspect of their lives? Perhaps... but I think that there are a lot of content folks out there who want to tweak a particular area of their life. I would not be completely honest if I said that I am totally at ease with every other part of my life. I am fully aware of this fact. Saying that, I don't think I am searching for Mr Right, to make the rest of my world right.
It's about the journey - not the destination...
I want someone to share the journey with me ... I am not sure what the destination is but I know what it is not... it is not happiness or contentedness because that is something that is found inside of me... now...
I have asked myself this question many many times. Do I feel content with my life the way it is without having a partner? Well...in many ways I do. I believe that a lot of the reason that I sabotage the process of being with someone, is that I am afraid that it will upset the apple cart so to speak. I have built a life with my daughter, our 2 cats and our dog that functions pretty darn well. We hit bumps along the way, but to be honest - we are okay.
So what's the problem?
I want more.
I want an adult to share life with...Someone who is interested in what is happening in my life who wants to let me(us) into their life too...who is interested in being with me(and everyone that comes with me) - with all the quirks and charms. Interestingly I don't want someone to share every moment with me. In fact I joke that the ideal is someone who lives next door who can come and stay - or not.
I think in some ways, that is why Facebook is so appealing. It is a way for people to peak into my life and I can peak into theirs - and comment on it.
But.... it feels empty... when I shut the computer off - I feel as if I just ate a huge bar of chocolate, and am left feeling worse than before I took the first bite. The void I was seeking to fill - was actually drained a little bit more...
Can anyone say they feel completely content with every aspect of their lives? Perhaps... but I think that there are a lot of content folks out there who want to tweak a particular area of their life. I would not be completely honest if I said that I am totally at ease with every other part of my life. I am fully aware of this fact. Saying that, I don't think I am searching for Mr Right, to make the rest of my world right.
It's about the journey - not the destination...
I want someone to share the journey with me ... I am not sure what the destination is but I know what it is not... it is not happiness or contentedness because that is something that is found inside of me... now...
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Welcome to my quest
According to Wikipedia, a quest is:
"A journey towards a goal...In literature, the objects of quests require great exertion on the part of the hero and the overcoming of many obstacles, typically including much travel especially over a body of water."
I am a 40something year old woman and I am on a quest for "Mr. Right." I am the hero of this story and come to think of it, I did sail to New Zealand from the Caribbean, so it appears as if I am on the right watery track. I also live in a very wet area of New Zealand, so technically, I am puddle jumping quite frequently so there are more watery obstacles I am meant to overcome - I must be getting close! Instead of only sharing this seemingly endless quest with whomever is within shouting distance, I thought I would share my journey... my quest... with whomever actually feels like listening. No more cornering friends at dinner parties or at the bus stop with my latest lament. I am saving it for this blog. I am saving it for those who voluntarily choose to have an ear/eye full.
Here's the deal. I am tired of being "the single one" or the one who is with "what's his name?" Actually, the running joke is sort of along the lines of "who am I chatting/skyping to now?" I am getting heaps better at shortening the turn over time. I used to take years to move on... then months... then weeks...days... I now seem to be able to find enough faults to warrant the ending before the beginning actually even occurs. How clever am I?
Not very...
Here's how it works now. I have begun this interesting habit of joining a dating site when I am fed up with being single and feeling that I need to be proactive - you know, my soul mate is NOT going to just show up on my doorstep no matter how much I try to visualize him doing so. Anyway, the joining is not really the interesting part... the part that is amusing to friends is the part where after a day or two(literally), I get weirded out... about putting myself out there and not REALLY knowing if the man on the other end is really who he says he is, or I think I really don't have enough time to commit to this or I don't get any messages or smiles and think "is my profile/photo THAT bad?", or I don't get any replies to my messages- hey, when I said it's "cool if you don't write back" - I was lying!.. or I only get messages from men 20 years older than me who have just had heart surgery... or I read the message he does send and decide there are too many grammatical errors or too much text talk (LOL!) or he is too responsive and eager and must be desperate...and I cancel my subscription. So basically, I should just go and give $20 to a more needy recipient - someone who might actually use it...
This time it is going to be different. I have joined again and have been a member for 3 days! Nice one! Times are a changing... sort of...
I wrote to a guy that I had been chatting with a couple of years ago (yup, I have been doing this on and off for some time now). I did this because I recalled that he seemed nice with some similar interests and thought that though he wasn't quite what I was looking for back then, perhaps it was time for a change in direction. Okay ... seemed like a good plan to me... he wrote back almost immediately with a fairly long, friendly and amusing response. Oh no- how dare he! Too quick and too lengthy - and of course this must mean...... too eager. Oh, and also he lives and works too far away - I forgot about that...
So I have now, after one exchange of messages, officially panicked.
Well done. That might be a new speed record for me.
Houston, we have a problem.... I thought I was ready to change, but for some reason, I don't seem to allow myself to go there. Perhaps some part of me wants to remain single? It reminds me of a quote from Richard Bach's book One:
“No one can solve problems for someone whose problem is that they don’t want problems solved...No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it…”
- Richard Bach
Something to ponder....
"A journey towards a goal...In literature, the objects of quests require great exertion on the part of the hero and the overcoming of many obstacles, typically including much travel especially over a body of water."
I am a 40something year old woman and I am on a quest for "Mr. Right." I am the hero of this story and come to think of it, I did sail to New Zealand from the Caribbean, so it appears as if I am on the right watery track. I also live in a very wet area of New Zealand, so technically, I am puddle jumping quite frequently so there are more watery obstacles I am meant to overcome - I must be getting close! Instead of only sharing this seemingly endless quest with whomever is within shouting distance, I thought I would share my journey... my quest... with whomever actually feels like listening. No more cornering friends at dinner parties or at the bus stop with my latest lament. I am saving it for this blog. I am saving it for those who voluntarily choose to have an ear/eye full.
Here's the deal. I am tired of being "the single one" or the one who is with "what's his name?" Actually, the running joke is sort of along the lines of "who am I chatting/skyping to now?" I am getting heaps better at shortening the turn over time. I used to take years to move on... then months... then weeks...days... I now seem to be able to find enough faults to warrant the ending before the beginning actually even occurs. How clever am I?
Not very...
Here's how it works now. I have begun this interesting habit of joining a dating site when I am fed up with being single and feeling that I need to be proactive - you know, my soul mate is NOT going to just show up on my doorstep no matter how much I try to visualize him doing so. Anyway, the joining is not really the interesting part... the part that is amusing to friends is the part where after a day or two(literally), I get weirded out... about putting myself out there and not REALLY knowing if the man on the other end is really who he says he is, or I think I really don't have enough time to commit to this or I don't get any messages or smiles and think "is my profile/photo THAT bad?", or I don't get any replies to my messages- hey, when I said it's "cool if you don't write back" - I was lying!.. or I only get messages from men 20 years older than me who have just had heart surgery... or I read the message he does send and decide there are too many grammatical errors or too much text talk (LOL!) or he is too responsive and eager and must be desperate...and I cancel my subscription. So basically, I should just go and give $20 to a more needy recipient - someone who might actually use it...
This time it is going to be different. I have joined again and have been a member for 3 days! Nice one! Times are a changing... sort of...
I wrote to a guy that I had been chatting with a couple of years ago (yup, I have been doing this on and off for some time now). I did this because I recalled that he seemed nice with some similar interests and thought that though he wasn't quite what I was looking for back then, perhaps it was time for a change in direction. Okay ... seemed like a good plan to me... he wrote back almost immediately with a fairly long, friendly and amusing response. Oh no- how dare he! Too quick and too lengthy - and of course this must mean...... too eager. Oh, and also he lives and works too far away - I forgot about that...
So I have now, after one exchange of messages, officially panicked.
Well done. That might be a new speed record for me.
Houston, we have a problem.... I thought I was ready to change, but for some reason, I don't seem to allow myself to go there. Perhaps some part of me wants to remain single? It reminds me of a quote from Richard Bach's book One:
“No one can solve problems for someone whose problem is that they don’t want problems solved...No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it…”
- Richard Bach
Something to ponder....
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His response was, "Do you think people with 'keepers' managed to find people with fewer reject-able qualities, or do you think they have a higher threshold for reject-ability?"