Friends and family...

Close friends and family ... I mean those people that actually take the time to know you, to love you warts and all, who pick you up when you are down, who bother to make gluten free options when no one else in the family eats that way, who give you peanut butter and bananas for xmas because they know you love that, who you know that no matter what - they are there for you.... they are hard to come by. They are like family... and lucky for me, I have some wonderful friends in my life - and a wonderful family too...

But here's the thing... I am noticing how few and far between those really good friends are. Don't get me wrong, I have many friends. But most of these people are lovely acquaintances. These are people who we stop and chat with on the street, we enjoy each other's company if we are at the same party, but who I don't call in on for a random cuppa or a chat (and who also don't call in on me). These folks don't invite me to dinner nor do I invite them... I don't cross their minds until I cross their paths. It's not that these friends are thoughtless or that I am thoughtless - it's just seems to be the way it is. I really value these casual friendships - I love walking down the street of my little village and stopping for a hug and a chat - there's a special sense of belonging that comes from every encounter... but I miss the depth that I know is possible.

A lot of it comes from my end of the relationship... I am an odd mixture of an extrovert and an introvert...I crave people and I crave being alone... and I often screw up that balance by erring on the introvert side and not inviting people around for dinner, scrabble, or a cuppa. In addition, I'm not someone who regularly remembers to send holiday/hello/birthday cards (thank goodness for email/facebook so I can take up some of that slack) so folks may feel neglected. I have focused so much in the last three years on my studies, working, and raising my kiddo completely on my own, that I have popped out at the end of that time realising that I have been left with very few close friends who hung in there despite my hermit-like behaviour...out of sight out of mind.

During this holiday season, I must say that I cherish all of the people in my life. I don't always show this... and sometimes, those closest to me, see the worst side of me too... the solitary side that sometimes has a homing device so strong that I have to leave your house immediately even when everyone else wants to go in the hot tub or watch a movie... the side that gets teary and sullen when watching romantic comedies because they remind me too much of what is missing in my life and literally make me feel like my tear ducts are a dam at breaking point and if I don't get out immediately - they will burst and I will be a sobbing embarrassed mess on the floor (so in response I make some snide comment at the end of the movie about it being "shockingly depressing" while everyone else in the room looks at me bewildered because they were thinking what a lovely movie that was)... or the side that slides into some dark withdrawn place and can't explain why I just need to be away from you or my fangs will show...

there are other sides that nobody gets to see and I reckon you should all breath a sigh of relief...

They also get to see the good side of me but it's the other side that I feel I need to apologise for because at times it may come across as antisocial... or inconsiderate... or selfish... and I'm sorry about that... and I just want to tell you that I love you and that I am grateful that you are in my life.

So, to all of my friends and family - near and far -  I'd like to offer an open invitation to stop by for a cuppa and a chat... I'd really love to see you...

On another note (or perhaps it's the same note...)...
I thought one of my more recent "notice the beauty" entrees would be good advice for this holiday season:

two bees or not two bees, that is the question...

Ok, not sure if you believe in this but I'm going to say this anyway because it is oddly relevant. According to the "Animal Spirit Guides" (by S.D. Farmer), call on a bee if "you're engaged in a project that requires persistence and perseverance in order to see it through to completion"... ok... I DID NOT call on the bees... I really didn't... perhaps I should have, and apparently the universe called for me because the bees arrived on Friday... not a few bees, but THOUSANDS of bees! I look out my window, and the air in front of my house is filled with a massive swarm of bees. They proceed to make themselves at home in a bush on the corner of my property, perhaps 20 feet away from my window... Humm... so me being me, I go and look at the animal spirit guide book out of curiosity (and a need for some cosmic explanation because that makes it all the more interesting), and it said that if bees show up it means:

 "it's time to get organized and get to work on that idea that you want to implement and       develop....approach your projects with commitment, diligence, and dedication, this is a very productive cycle for you, so stay with whatever you're working on, and there will be a favorable outcome"
(aka : get off facebook and get your PhD moving ahead already!)... wow, ok... thanks for that - I nice letter in the post would have sufficed (other than the letter b ... sorry, couldn't resist that one... anyway, moving on...

Probably good that a gila monster didn't show up because that would mean "don't start any new major projects until the timing is more appropriate"... and that's been my excuse for ages now so there was no need for that one to show up... although it would have been rather affirming...

Lucky for me, I live in a groovy little community where all I needed to do was post on our local facebook page (seeeeee, I knew I had to stay on there for some reason!) that the bees had arrived, and in 15 minutes, I had someone come over in their bee suit (seriously, I live in the coolest village) and remove the swarm and give them a happy home.

Funny enough, another person from the village had also posted that his swarm had disappeared (who knew that many people here were that bee literate?!)...  I find it rather funny that someone would even post that their bees have gone awol... like a run away dog... lost: swarm of bees, around 50,000, don't come when called, yellow and black, make buzzing noise...

Here's another interesting me/bee fact - this is not the first time that this has happened to me. The last house I lived in was also visited by a swarm of bee right outside of my front door. What are the odds?

and a final me/bee fact: my name means honey bee in Greek:

So there you have it - two bees or not two bees (more like too many bees)... if that was the question... 

I hear the answer loud and clear...

and so it's back to work I go... bzzzzzzz 

Facebook is my squirrel...

I had a thought today... right after a received 2 emails from old friends from afar and one from not very far (the magic of leaving FB strikes again), who commented that they would miss my posts.

Hmmmm

That got me thinking. FB is a problem for me in the "time waster, browse for hours looking at meaningless posts, reading complete strangers profiles who attract my attention because they know someone I know" kind of way. However, it's not a problem when I think about people out there enjoying what I post. I found that the second I deleted my profile, I first thought, "hmmm, now where will I post my "notice the beauty" (NTB) photos (I'll tell you more about that later), and secondly I thought, "really - so do I really need to eliminate the entire profile? Isn't that a bit extreme?"

why can't it just sit there. unobserved. or... why can't I just use it as a place to receive messages... or see what's happening on the village group page or... or...oooh it's a slippery slope


I'll tell you why - because it's shiny. and I'm curious (aka nosy for knowledge)... and very distractible lately. It's like the dog in the movie "Up"... I'm doing my thing, focused on this thing I'm doing, then click, "squirrel!"... my attention is on something else.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSUXXzN26zg

Facebook is my squirrel.

Where is the self control that I thought would come as an adult? Many times I have looked up from my computer/ipad to tell my kiddo that she shouldn't have her ipod/a computer/an ipad attached to her at all times and that there must be something better for her brain to be doing... then turn back to the "work" I was doing... but... um... 

I have research that I am meant to be doing. Seriously... I am trying to do a PhD... and I like the topic... and I am excited about doing this... and I... Squirrel!!

Sorry, what was I saying....

anyway, I've decided that my new experiment is to see how well I do with the knowledge that FB is there, my profile is there... I can post things (like this blog) or my NTB observations (yes, I will explain that) remotely... without ever looking at the actual website... I need rules, boundaries... a shock collar perhaps... that will zap me if I go to the page more than once a day ... for more than 5 minutes. 

... I've just figured out that I can post photos here... so maybe this can be my new outlet for NTB... 

perhaps I should explain...

A few, months ago, I was noticing that I was focusing my attention on a lot of negative junk and wasn't noticing the good stuff around me ... and it's EVERYWHERE... and I don't mean stuff like being grateful I'm alive or that I have a roof over my head or that I'm healthy. That kind of stuff I do generally notice. It's the other stuff... 

like the gum shaped like a heart on the foot path on my way to university...

or the accordion tee shirt in the pile of second hand clothing...

or the weird little plant I pass everyday on the way to kiddo's bus stop...

so I started noticing these bits of beauty all around me, and looked for it... and posted my daily findings... and that made me noticeably more peaceful and I would even say cheerful... it occupied my mind with the good stuff... and stopped me ruminating about dreary stuff that really wasn't necessary to think about at that moment... and so, the NTB project was born. and was going well for quite some time... 

Squirrel!

sigh...

reflection on leaving facebook post Dec 22 2012...

I just posted a previous blog entry about leaving facebook on December 22, 2012... well, that didn't last very long... in fact, nearly one year later, I'm fully entrenched into the old addiction. And in combination with being back on a dating site, it's a wonder I even manage to get dressed in the morning because of the amount of time and energy I put into mindlessly browsing. I even created a twitter account telling myself that is was a clever new way of connecting with people. Except that most people on twitter weren't aware of my existence...or followed me so that it would add to their own list of followers. They weren't  interested in my (self proclaimed) clever views on life, on my daily quotes meant to fill them with warm fuzzy feelings and thoughts, or in me. So that soon became boring. At least with a blog, I can ramble at length without a word count limit.

But here's what I'm noticing as I decide, once again, to leave social media. I am terrified of leaving social network sites because I'm afraid I will drift into an abyss... an abyss that has minimal human contact other than myself, my daughter, and the occasional person I run into on the street, work or school. I will miss out on what's going on in the community, I will miss out on what's going on around the world... because that's the way people communicate now. I'll miss out on the free piles of wood that someone is leaving on the curb tomorrow because I didn't see the post informing me it was going to be there. I won't know that it's x, y or z's birthday or that they are having a good day. I won't know that "w" just got engaged, or that "y", who lives overseas, had a baby (or was even pregnant!). I won't know that "r" was sick, or that "c" died... and that scares me.

You my say that if I was really close to those people, I'd know all of that information anyway... but I've been a traveller for the majority of my adult life. I've lived in several countries and many many different towns. Facebook has become a way for me to keep in touch with everyone from my past and make them more of my present - rather than merely a fond memory...

But there is a dark side for me. Social media becomes a place that I lose myself, I don't deal with the present (or with myself more precisely) and I can hide in mindless hours of surfing other people's pages, looking for something, but finding that I only end up feeling more alone, unsatisfied, and somehow lacking.

Dating sites are the worst for me, because I know that people are looking at my profile, yet they still ignore me or don't respond to me... so I replace my profile picture... many times... with a smilier, more serious, sexier, sportier, more casual, more professional, photo, all in the hopes that perhaps the reason I wasn't getting messaged was because my picture was too (or not) x,y, or z. Obviously, I'm going to lose my membership card to "feminist women of the world" now that I've admitted that I self objectify...And then I start to judge myself as I think others are judging me. Well F**k you mr Sincere123 if you can't see that I'm worth talking to.

So, despite being afraid to leave, while disliking that I was staying... I must take a break. My ego needs a break... and my life needs to focus on what's right in front of me (or inside my own head) and the people around me...for a while anyway...

from december 22, 2012

A post from another blog I write which I'm now combining into one:

I'm noticing the good life...

Well this has been an amazing time... the reason I haven't posted is because, honestly, my life has gotten so much richer and more interesting since I left Facebook. Coincidence? Maybe... but the day I deactivated the account I got a call from a great friend in Germany and a surprise visit from folks who I haven't seen in years who happened to be passing through the area where I live... the universe was saying "look into the real world for real people and they are there..." ... at least that's my interpretation of it.

so many weird and wonderful things have been going on lately and they all involve people and connection and I am really enjoying it...

I have a confession though - I did log in today because I needed to send someone a message and didn't have their email address. In doing this, I was briefly drawn into reading this that and the other thing, but soon deactivated after hearing back from her. Mission accomplished - moving on.

Another thing I'm noticing is how much Facebook had become part of my daily routine. Kind of like smoking... wake up, look at facebook. Eat... look at facebook afterwards... do anything... look at facebook afterwards for a break... I do miss our little community trading post, and am tempted to go back just for that, but I will resist for now.

I am enjoying the people and the lack of computer time... and the things that I am doing instead (swimming in the sea... walking the dog with my kiddo... doing cryptic crosswords... meeting up with friends...talking to friends) ...

Life is good (well, it always was - I'm just noticing it a bit more now)

To text or not to text ... that is the question

I just found this draft from early 2011... not sure why it wasn't published, but I think it's worth putting out there... so here it is... (keep in mind, this occurred BEFORE the blog that precedes it)

early 2011
Hello cyberspace! After a very long time away from this blog, I feel that it is time to revisit and begin posting again.  The reason for this is that I think I need an intervention.  Writing here will keep me from writing elsewhere - more specifically from texting.

So here's the question that I have:  Why is it that when a guy is totally showing interest in me, I am initially excited then almost immediately repelled.  Crazy eh? It's the old, "Oh yahooo someone finds me attractive, interesting, worthy of their attention (fill in the blanks here folks)" and then this other inner conversation sets in, "oh he's a bit needy if he is contacting me so much" or "ohh, I think I am just filling up empty space in his day - if he wasn't so bored or lonely he wouldn't be talking to me..." or "why does he always talk about himself and not about me?" ... or...

So then I think..."I don't want this in a relationship.  This is not what I am looking for in a potential partner..." So then, I pull away.  Don't make myself available on Skype and don't initiate any texts... and then it happens....

HE pulls away and it drives me bananas!  I look at my phone making sure I didn't miss a message... log into Skype just in case he wants to contact me.  I contact him with silly little comments or questions about his day.  He answers but does not initiate contact with me anymore... and I am hooked.  How annoying is that?! 

To be honest, in this age of technology, I find the whole idea of building a relationship via skype and texting rather yucky.  Yes I said yucky...  It's less than ideal because what I have discovered is that men are often different online then they are in person .  I don't mean physically, I mean communication wise (this could go for anyone really - especially folks who prefer the comfort of the written word to face to face interactions...).  This particular guy is extremely emotional on skype - writing about all sorts of in depth issues and things that I don't get a glimpse of in person.  Which is fine because who wants to solve world problems and deep inner issues all of the time but the contrast is so great that I almost wonder if someone else is over there doing the typing/communicating for him... hmmm... I really really really don't like internet dating!

2012 thoughts:
I read this and realized that this was a truly ridiculous game that I was playing in my head and that he was playing too... it is so unnecessary and such a waste of time and energy ... here's to a straight up honest relationship, without the second guessing, without the head games... from either one of us...

Hello again

It's been a while... a very long while... I've been preoccupied studying, picking up a couple of more letters at the end of my signature... and avoiding relationships.

I did have one in the middle of all of this (for 6 months!) - but it ended. Mistakes were made - by both of us. I thought I'd learned from the past, and maybe I did, but not enough. Sigh... In addition, I was also so busy with getting the grades and absorbing the new knowledge, that there was little time left for a man after I also factored in time for daughter, dog, friends and self.

In addition to that, he moved FAST which freaked me out and kind of laid the ground work for the way things would move for the entire 6 months we were together. We started as just friends... then one day, 2 months later, he said I'd "stolen his heart."

Which is a beautiful thing to say

and apparently, has different meanings for different people...

I thought - "cool! We're going to move from friends, to friends who like each other a bit more than just friends - so we will become friends with benefits and see how it all goes"... mistake number one. He thought, "WE'RE IN LOVE!" and proceeded to tell his ex wife, kids and anyone else that would listen... we're talking within hours of the initial conversation. My daughter came home after a play with his kids telling me that she heard he and I are in love... oh geez...

He felt joyous...

I panicked and felt slightly nauseated.

Don't get me wrong - we had some wonderful times together. But the relationship consisted of so many boundary crossings (by him) and boundary claiming (by me), that eventually, it had to end. I was retreating further and further away, he was getting more and more confused. We talked for HOURS about this - constantly. It became the all consuming topic of conversation for us whenever we were together. I started to dread the words, "can I come and talk to you for a minute?"...

I was tired...
tired of saying/hearing what wasn't working... tired of talking about our feelings all of the time...tired of pushing away... tired of the feelings of discomfort...
So I ended it...

And thankfully, we are still friends - good friends in fact... and I like that.

I don't think it was a case of running away when the going got tough ... I think it was kinda tough fairly early on... for both of us... poor timing perhaps... poor match perhaps... who knows... but for now, I have to say that I enjoy his friendship, and enjoy the relief I feel that we are not in a romantic relationship... for whatever reason that may be...

But now...
a close friend of mine is trying to set me up with a guy she knows from work...

It's just like internet dating except we both come with a letter of reference so to speak. He "friended" me on facebook - so we both now get the chance to check out each others' "profile"... unfortunately, there's not much on his, so I am still no more in the know than I was before... except that he's not that into facebook...And now for the awkward part which makes it feel like internet dating - he "friended" me... and now I have not heard from him... so does this mean he looked at the photos and thought, "good grief! I'm not going near that one!" ...or maybe he's being coy... or maybe he's thinking that I'm thinking what I think he's thinking... or maybe he's at work and is meant to be working rather than swanning about online so he'll write later... I could write to him... but I won't... because a. I'm busy writing this blog entry, b. I want him to make the moves and c. I'm kind of nervous and am not sure how I feel about this whole set up thing...

He commented to my friend in an email (which I'm not sure I'm technically supposed to know about but what are good friend for?)... he wrote, "I am a fussy bugger when it comes to my women (maybe that’s why I’m single!!) and I guess there is no point if there is no initial attraction..." I totally get where he is coming from... but then... how do you really know for sure until you meet?

Ugh... I really don't like this part...