But here's the thing... I am noticing how few and far between those really good friends are. Don't get me wrong, I have many friends. But most of these people are lovely acquaintances. These are people who we stop and chat with on the street, we enjoy each other's company if we are at the same party, but who I don't call in on for a random cuppa or a chat (and who also don't call in on me). These folks don't invite me to dinner nor do I invite them... I don't cross their minds until I cross their paths. It's not that these friends are thoughtless or that I am thoughtless - it's just seems to be the way it is. I really value these casual friendships - I love walking down the street of my little village and stopping for a hug and a chat - there's a special sense of belonging that comes from every encounter... but I miss the depth that I know is possible.
A lot of it comes from my end of the relationship... I am an odd mixture of an extrovert and an introvert...I crave people and I crave being alone... and I often screw up that balance by erring on the introvert side and not inviting people around for dinner, scrabble, or a cuppa. In addition, I'm not someone who regularly remembers to send holiday/hello/birthday cards (thank goodness for email/facebook so I can take up some of that slack) so folks may feel neglected. I have focused so much in the last three years on my studies, working, and raising my kiddo completely on my own, that I have popped out at the end of that time realising that I have been left with very few close friends who hung in there despite my hermit-like behaviour...out of sight out of mind.
During this holiday season, I must say that I cherish all of the people in my life. I don't always show this... and sometimes, those closest to me, see the worst side of me too... the solitary side that sometimes has a homing device so strong that I have to leave your house immediately even when everyone else wants to go in the hot tub or watch a movie... the side that gets teary and sullen when watching romantic comedies because they remind me too much of what is missing in my life and literally make me feel like my tear ducts are a dam at breaking point and if I don't get out immediately - they will burst and I will be a sobbing embarrassed mess on the floor (so in response I make some snide comment at the end of the movie about it being "shockingly depressing" while everyone else in the room looks at me bewildered because they were thinking what a lovely movie that was)... or the side that slides into some dark withdrawn place and can't explain why I just need to be away from you or my fangs will show...
there are other sides that nobody gets to see and I reckon you should all breath a sigh of relief...
They also get to see the good side of me but it's the other side that I feel I need to apologise for because at times it may come across as antisocial... or inconsiderate... or selfish... and I'm sorry about that... and I just want to tell you that I love you and that I am grateful that you are in my life.
So, to all of my friends and family - near and far - I'd like to offer an open invitation to stop by for a cuppa and a chat... I'd really love to see you...
On another note (or perhaps it's the same note...)...
I thought one of my more recent "notice the beauty" entrees would be good advice for this holiday season:
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