reflection on leaving facebook post Dec 22 2012...

I just posted a previous blog entry about leaving facebook on December 22, 2012... well, that didn't last very long... in fact, nearly one year later, I'm fully entrenched into the old addiction. And in combination with being back on a dating site, it's a wonder I even manage to get dressed in the morning because of the amount of time and energy I put into mindlessly browsing. I even created a twitter account telling myself that is was a clever new way of connecting with people. Except that most people on twitter weren't aware of my existence...or followed me so that it would add to their own list of followers. They weren't  interested in my (self proclaimed) clever views on life, on my daily quotes meant to fill them with warm fuzzy feelings and thoughts, or in me. So that soon became boring. At least with a blog, I can ramble at length without a word count limit.

But here's what I'm noticing as I decide, once again, to leave social media. I am terrified of leaving social network sites because I'm afraid I will drift into an abyss... an abyss that has minimal human contact other than myself, my daughter, and the occasional person I run into on the street, work or school. I will miss out on what's going on in the community, I will miss out on what's going on around the world... because that's the way people communicate now. I'll miss out on the free piles of wood that someone is leaving on the curb tomorrow because I didn't see the post informing me it was going to be there. I won't know that it's x, y or z's birthday or that they are having a good day. I won't know that "w" just got engaged, or that "y", who lives overseas, had a baby (or was even pregnant!). I won't know that "r" was sick, or that "c" died... and that scares me.

You my say that if I was really close to those people, I'd know all of that information anyway... but I've been a traveller for the majority of my adult life. I've lived in several countries and many many different towns. Facebook has become a way for me to keep in touch with everyone from my past and make them more of my present - rather than merely a fond memory...

But there is a dark side for me. Social media becomes a place that I lose myself, I don't deal with the present (or with myself more precisely) and I can hide in mindless hours of surfing other people's pages, looking for something, but finding that I only end up feeling more alone, unsatisfied, and somehow lacking.

Dating sites are the worst for me, because I know that people are looking at my profile, yet they still ignore me or don't respond to me... so I replace my profile picture... many times... with a smilier, more serious, sexier, sportier, more casual, more professional, photo, all in the hopes that perhaps the reason I wasn't getting messaged was because my picture was too (or not) x,y, or z. Obviously, I'm going to lose my membership card to "feminist women of the world" now that I've admitted that I self objectify...And then I start to judge myself as I think others are judging me. Well F**k you mr Sincere123 if you can't see that I'm worth talking to.

So, despite being afraid to leave, while disliking that I was staying... I must take a break. My ego needs a break... and my life needs to focus on what's right in front of me (or inside my own head) and the people around me...for a while anyway...